We had a family member pass away within the family over the pass week. (May they rest in peace, and I will miss them. I had no personal negative issue with them, but I did not attend their funeral as I felt I wasn’t invited nor did I feel I’m accepted or included with that side of the family.)
I’m sorry. That was reply to the text as I between doctor appointments. I was getting my glasses readjusted. (I’m diabetic, I have water spots in the back of my eyes, so I get them check twice a year, usually when I have them check, my eyes are dilated. I am also dealing with a severe tooth infection in which my face has been swollen. It hurts to talk. I’m also helping my brother with his ulcer and his PCOD healing.)
Between not knowing what to say, my screen blurred, and it hurting to think or talk, I had no idea what to say. I’m in the middle of the waiting game for my medical stuff; I stable for the most part, I get pain and headaches and here or there.
Anyway, I still have had no idea what to stay. I’m sorry they are gone. They will be missed. I knew that they had cancer and heard that they had surgery for it. I believed that they probably had chemo or meds that weaken their immune system. I will admit I was surprise to hear about it. They were a fighter, fighting cancer in is our family.
The thing is I thought my family would know me well enough. . . with me being a story-teller, normally a talker, and writer, that just two words, would be saying something wasn’t right.
I found two memes that made everything hit home.
“Not invited, Don’t go.
Not told, Don’t ask.
Late invites, Decline.
You were never part of the plan, Accept that.”
I felt was never invited or accepted, just ridiculed. No one simply asking how I am doing? (I haven’t had that question asked since last June. This is not included to those I live with.)
“Not a single person has tried to fight for me to stay in their life, yet I fought for everyone I lost.”
I honestly feel since 2017, everyone has moved on with their lives. I feel so alone, so not included that I do not even feel I want to stay within the state, but emotionally I feel stuck. (I know I have to get my family set up in a better place, before I can move forward.)
I will admit I do push myself out for errands and medical appointments, but I get anxious when I am out. It takes all of motivation just to go for a simple walk even on the nicest days. I am scared of being stranded, even if I am just a few miles away. I feel like I am going to lose my comfort zone. I’m afraid I’m am going leave, only to come back and it’s not there or someone else in my room, or I am kicked out for any reason. I have severe abandonment issues and people who ghost and block me make me even more paranoid. I have depression, several PTSD issues, and social anxiety with agoraphobic tendencies. (I’m also currently between therapists.
Yet I feel I have to everyone’s rock, accountant, secretary, medical support and librarian. I am all over the place. I am trying my best to get us a better place, but I have been rejected so many times. I feel I am in a valley of several mountains and I found sticky quick sand. (I went to a government place that is supposed to help with mental health and finding housing, and they basically laughed at me until I was in tears.)
I had to write this down as I keep having nightmares over disappointing everyone. I need to release this.
So long story. . . short: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that a member of our family was taken from way too soon.
I’m sorry you don’t know who I am.
However I do pray for everyone to be healthy, happy, and productive in their own world.
I’m dealing with some issues
I think I’m getting it….