Two Words

We had a family member pass away within the family over the pass  week. (May they rest in peace, and I will miss them. I had no personal negative issue with them, but I did not attend their funeral as I felt I wasn’t invited nor did I feel I’m accepted or included with that side of the family.)
I’m sorry. That was reply to the text as I between doctor appointments. I was getting my glasses readjusted. (I’m diabetic, I have water spots in the back of my eyes, so I get them check twice a year, usually when I have them check, my eyes are dilated. I am also dealing with a severe tooth infection in which my face has been swollen. It hurts to talk. I’m also helping my brother with his ulcer and his PCOD healing.)
Between not knowing what to say, my screen blurred, and it hurting to think or talk, I had no idea what to say. I’m in the middle of the waiting game for my medical stuff; I stable for the most part, I get pain and headaches and here or there.
Anyway, I still have had no idea what to stay. I’m sorry they are gone. They will be missed. I knew that they had cancer and heard that they had surgery for it. I believed that they probably had chemo or meds that weaken their immune system. I will admit I was surprise to hear about it. They were a fighter, fighting cancer in is our family.



The thing is I thought my family would know me well enough. . . with me being a story-teller, normally a talker, and writer, that just two words, would be saying something wasn’t right.



I found two memes that made everything hit home.
“Not invited, Don’t go.
Not told, Don’t ask.
Late invites, Decline.
You were never part of the plan, Accept that.”
I felt was never invited or accepted, just ridiculed. No one simply asking how I am doing? (I haven’t had that question asked since last June. This is not included to those I live with.)



“Not a single person has tried to fight for me to stay in their life, yet I fought for everyone I lost.”
I honestly feel since 2017, everyone has moved on with their lives. I feel so alone, so not included that I do not even feel I want to stay within the state, but emotionally I feel stuck. (I know I have to get my family set up in a better place, before I can move forward.)


I will admit I do push myself out for errands and medical appointments, but I get anxious when I am out. It takes all of motivation just to go for a simple walk even on the nicest days. I am scared of being stranded, even if I am just a few miles away. I feel like I am going to lose my comfort zone. I’m afraid I’m am going leave, only to come back and it’s not there or someone else in my room, or I am kicked out for any reason. I have severe abandonment issues and people who ghost and block me make me even more paranoid. I have depression, several PTSD issues, and social anxiety with agoraphobic tendencies. (I’m also currently between therapists.


Yet I feel I have to everyone’s rock, accountant, secretary, medical support and librarian. I am all over the place. I am trying my best to get us a better place, but I have been rejected so many times. I feel I am in a valley of several mountains and I found sticky quick sand. (I went to a government place that is supposed to help with mental health and finding housing, and they basically laughed at me until I was in tears.)

I had to write this down as I keep having nightmares over disappointing everyone. I need to release this.

So long story. . . short: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that a member of our family was taken from way too soon.
I’m sorry you don’t know who I am.
However I do pray for everyone to be healthy, happy, and productive in their own world. 


I’m dealing with some issues

I think I’m getting it….

Laughter best Medicine

What makes you laugh?

Things that make me laugh, giggle

  • Kitty and puppies being clumsy
  • Robin Williams (RIP)
  • Jeff Dunham
  • Scarasm 
  • Some memes that I can relate to
  • Irony
  • My brother making me laugh
  • Adult jokes

My brother knows if I’m upset/ mood swings and if he can make me laugh I will work.things out.

Tattoo

What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?

I don’t any ..yet

On my left upper arm, the supernatural symbol. However I want a moon inside the star and the flames to be red, orange and yellow..

My right upper arm symbol with cats, my writing and River right by, but I haven’t figured it the artwork yet.

What people don’t understand?

What’s something most people don’t understand?

I feel very different than most people.

I am not into kids, and I don’t want to do everything with my family all of the time. (I feel like I’m being judged because I’m not settled down with a guy approved by the family, several kiddos at our feet as my family argues how to raise those kiddos. We have two jobs, my job would be a teacher, as I have no time to write, I’m good at teaching and appeasing my family, but there is something still pulling at me. I get my driver’s license but I don’t tell people when I black out as I have to get my kiddos to whatever extra activities they want. Only to have those kiddos wreck my car and despised me when they are teenagers. Once they are in college then my guys wants to be a kid or have more kiddos. Then I wonder what have I done? Did I accomplish my dreams?)

Even as a kid when you asked me to draw what I would be doing when grew up …it was a picture of singing on stage or traveling or writing several books. I never saw me in a family style type of life. (However I feel I’m instantly judged for not wanting such things )

I cannot have kids, and I write and think more into adult themes (Aged: eighteen plus.) The thing is I’m happy for those who want a family, please support your kids’ dreams. However I enjoy my adult life and I am madly in love with my guy. He is okay with us having fur babies (cats and maybe a dog.)

My spiritual path is very different than most as I do believe in being nice and helping others..I believe in Jesus Christ (as I was there in a past life;) However I’m not into the church. (Small groups are much easier than larger groups. In large group, manipulation, corruption, and judgement happens so much faster. ) I’m big on the golden rule and huge believer in karma (what goes around, comes around.) I believe gratitude will bring more positivity and abundance in your life. Life is about the journey and the cherish the moment and small things.

My health is tricky, but mediation helps to a point.

My health is divided into two …physical and mentally.

Physically my health is been worst than whatever normal is for me. (Normal for me, I can sing with YouTube without pain, I can go for a walk without getting dizzy, my sugar doesn’t drop so fast between meals…. I can basically function, but I’m always tired.) Currently, I’m sore, swollen my jaw, sinuses feel stuffy and off and I’m more exhausted and dizzy. I have infection in several of my teeth (I do take care of my teeth and my CPAP. ) with infection, my sugar keep bounces up and dropping fast making me tired, cranky, dizzy and hard to focus. With stress my stomach is all over the place. My environment doesn’t always help my stress.

My mental health is always complicated and you cannot tell when I’m mentally healthy or in true need of help and support. I’m constantly fighting on what I call my inner demons, but it’s a spiritual metaphor for my darkness, anxiety, and depression. I hope by putting them in my written and creative work, they will help me work through things like grief and fears. I’m always overthinking and worrying. It is really hard fory mind to simply stop. My social anxiety has gotten worst since pandemic… I’m afraid to show the real me: fear of rejection. So I’m just here stuck, lonely.)

I’ve tried to find similar people but I get people I think are like me, but then I get chewed out or judged..

I’m in stuck living situation. I have no kitchen and miss a bath tub and my own privacy. I currently don’t have a cat, and really want one, I know it will help my mental health and blood pressure.

I’m not close enough to find a job I can handle. I rather deal with art, color or animals over people.

I used to be outgoing and social but now I’m very socially selective.

Lonely Bear

I am the bear, the lonely Bear. I feel like I’m so cranky from some health things that no one will honestly want me. (I love my current guy, but he has no idea of my mood swings.)



I all over the place and it hard to focus with the bitter pain. . . I have emotional and physical pain and honestly I do not know which is worst. I have infection in two of my teeth one of them is a canine and the swelling and the pain has gone into my sinuses. I have antibiotics and OTC pain meds, but crying and laughing and eating makes the pounding pain even more so. The dentists even saw the infection in the teeth x-ray, but I cannot have local anesthesia as it does not work. My gums will get swollen and kind of numb-ish, but I will feel everything on the actual tooth. So now I am waiting for surgeon which can take some time. I felt the drill the last tooth I got treated, so I am very hesitant about dental work any kind, I feel in my sinuses and up my ears.



My emotional pain is tearing me up to shreds. I have been fighting self-worth, severe depression, and major social anxiety for several years now. I have been through at least seven therapists within the last seven years. (The stupid pandemic messed up the connection I had with the therapist that I actually feel worked best with me.) Anyway, I have a lot going on, and I do not have many that I can truly talk to and understand me. I’ve tried getting in groups, but many don’t understand the path I am on.
I have tried coloring, writing and mediation but it’s hard to focus at times.


I feel like I have failed several members of my family. I’m sorry that I have not turned out like what you wanted me to be. . . However I am just saying “I’m sorry,” out of a people pleasing thing.
I also avoid my Facebook, because it just shows me that life goes on without me. It also shows those who can do what I can’t. . . create life.
My own thoughts vs thoughts of what others want for me. . . they have really messed my own biological clock.


I’m also stuck in a place that is just one level above cave/shed. I am grateful for the roof over my head, yes and the bed, but I need privacy and way more room. I have tried upgrading several times. . .
I’ve been rejected with excuses like “there are too many people for one bathroom.”
The other reason “Do you have a car?” Why would I need a car when there were banks and stores within walking distance?


I’ve had so many opportunities slip from my fingers and with each lost opportunity I feel like a bigger rejected failure. I feel like I am climbing a mountain, but things like health issues or bad timing or little savings just make me fall down and each higher fall hurt.
My own family calls me a bear, because of my mood swings, and this creates challenges for making and keeping friends. Once you add the social anxiety, it feels like impossibility. (I even feel like parts of my own blood-related family avoid me, because of my own moods.)


I was just hoping the eclipse would change my luck. . . please bring me positive luck. I am trying to figure something out to bring positivity back into my life. 

Pounding Pain

My teeth are sensitive, and I will admit my CPAP and the dry air does not help things.

I had two teeth that I already treated years ago, but as the years have gone on, my mouth, jaw and teeth are super sensitive to local anesthesia. They can give multi shots in my gum and yet I don’t feel anything in one spot, but I feel everything in the spot or teeth they are working on. I will never get a drill on my teeth while I’m awake again. My mouth hurts thinking of it.

Normally, I would post this on my health blog.

However this pain is like no other, one of my teeth that is infected is a canine, it hurts to laugh and cry. My sinuses were swollen bad. I’ve been crying off and one since the dentist visit.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain and feel because of it I feel I’m at the moment worthless to anyone.

It took me three weeks to find a dentist that works with my insurance and the fact, I will need a surgeon, and even then it could months before I can actually see them. Grrrr.

My swelling is up and down, depends on how much I’m crying. I had sad, bad news my family, but with the infection. I feel stuck.

I wish I was better so I could help.

Pickle Jar

I’m just stuck. Emotionally constipated, sorry that is a bad word, but it does describe me. . . I am stuck. . . just beeping stuck. I can’t get any real emotion out like trying to open a pickle jar. I have been stewing my emotions for a while. I just want to let it all go. I do not want to have break the jar and scar myself (and possibly others) just to get my feelings out.
I am trying to release my negativity, because honestly I just want to move on with my life. Hopefully my better and positive life. However I am stuck and I do NOT know how to truly break free.
I don’t feel yelling or crying will really help. I just do not know what really will help.


This had made me stuck in other ways as in writing. I’ve had serious writer’s block for easily five years. I get a piece or story here or there but nothing truly constant like I used to. I used to just blame it on the darkness, depression, and my limited environment. The truth is I know I am not stimulated enough , and these are all just honestly excuses. If I want inspiration, I need to find it. However I am metaphorically staring at the my emotional pickle jar. If it was a real pickle jar, I would have that open in matter of minutes. So why can’t I get this emotional pickle jar open?


I’ll have not really stopped since the end of last October. . .
Migraines, extreme nausea, carpal tunnel/ arthritis, dizziness, sugar drops, uti and with all of this, I still had to help family with their health issues. I’ve been trying to find jobs, but there few local jobs have drama issues. . . very complicated issues and we all know the new guy will be blames for it, even though the crew has been entirely changed over at least three times within the last five years.


Anyway, I just haven’t stopped, but I am stuck on the mountain of life with all of my emotions stuck in a pickle jar. I just do not know what to do. . .

Stuck in past

Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

I know the answer to this question is past. My head is so stuck in my past….it difficult to enjoy the present or move forward.

66% stuck in past

20% worried about future

13% confused about present

1% I might enjoy myself.

I am trying to break this.

What I want is 66% in the present (enjoy at least 66% of that and 34% preparing and researching for my future.)

What I want is no worry over what hasn’t happen yet and leaving my past in… well the past.

I want to learn from my mistakes and be wiser on my path. I to be excited with rest (34%) for my adventurous fun future with my special guy.

I just do not know how to do this.

13 Wishes

I read this article https://parade.com/astrology/12-magical-nights-ritual while working on my Yule blog on my spiritual blog…https://spiritualbeck.wordpress.com/

These are my thirteen wishes..(note: most people do not like the number 13, but I was born on the 13th and it does well for me.)

The article said that you are to write out each wish on separate pieces of paper and then put them into a jar. Take one wish out each day for 12 days.

My wishes…

  • My brother was in the hospital in November ….he has infection on belly that spread and he already has a repaired heart and complicated lungs, and he went to the ER over the pass for days to get water off his lungs .My first wish is that brother gets knowledgeable and wise doctors that can stop the water gain. He still has heart issues and his heart is very unique as he has had four surgeries and it’s really an amazing thing. I just want him home and healthy even if he is a pain sometimes. (Note: he is currently home, and after the holiday we will have to make phone calls.)
  • We have a lot of clutter and some issues we are having in our living situation, and I really want to get rid of all the conflicting issues. (I am not getting into details online as I will admit I am embarrassed.) I am slowly trying to declutter myself.
  • I feel my family needs to move into a better situation. We need more room and privacy. We also need a better place that will help to aide our health issues. Things we need a better living situation : my brother needs a recliner, not a bed for breathing, we need a better location, and my needs a bathtub, and we need a better kitchen situation . I ask the universe to please give me resources that can help us move in 2024. (This year I even had resources actually laughed at me when I asked for help. It was a very trying year.)
  • I wish that mom and I find ways to make our own money. I would love to read my stories on my own podcast or do tarot readings. (We had issues with jobs and living in the middle of nowhere.)
  • I have to get carpal tunnel surgery in January, and I hope it goes well. I hope I am able to write, color, and grab things without numbness, pain or dropping them.
  • I wish to find a publisher and my works published, in 13 years I got over million word work, but it’s a hallow victory until I get published. I would like to make money and my living as a writer/author!
  • I am in a long distance relationship, and I know my guy is the guy for me. I want to meet him in 2024. I want to also marry him someday.
  • I want to know that my mom and brother are set up with a better living situation and their medical is stabilized. I want to live and be with my guy. (I know he has family he is taking care of, and they are a package deal. I hope to have his family accept me as well. It’s important to me.)
  • I want my guy’s mom to get in a better living situation and get her in a better medical system. I want doctors that actually find issues and help her heal and grow. (Spiritually, she has a strong and sassy aura, and I feel the world needs more of her.)
  • I wish for a fur baby or two of my own: cats. Please. (I cannot have kids, but I love cats. I mess the caring for and snuggling with my previous fur babies. I also need my money and better living situation for this situation.)
  • I wish for my own money flow. I want to be able to do more things, good shopping, and help others charities. (I feel between my depression and anxiety plus PTSD, that finding a social job has been hard. I also have a complicated issues with holding finances. I am good at helping with others budget, but money or jobs seem to slip between my fingers. I need to find my own financial security.)
  • I wish to find my own soul family and friend who understand me. (I’ve been through a lot between my hysterectomy, my health issues it makes it complicated, especially the mental and emotional issues. I had a lot happen in the last ten years, and I feel I need to move on as locally I have few people that I feel truly connected to.)
  • My basic wish for 2024 that I may stay healthy, find good steady energy and can focus and be productive on completing my projects. (I definitely need the energy to help my family as well things for myself.)

I do wish that all of these things get accomplished in 2024.